Take Two

So now we’re worried about maintaining a pregnancy.  We decide, given that we are now convinced that we are going to have issues, to try again immediately.  Well, “immediately” as in after the 1-month waiting period recommended by my doctor. 

Boom.  What do you know?  The first month we try we get pregnant.  Wow.  I expected more of a fight.  This time the reaction is cautious.  A tentative excitement.  We say things like “I won’t get excited until the 3 month mark” or “I won’t get excited until we can feel it move.” 

We go for the first appointments and ultrasound.  The doctors are now treating us with an extra sense of priority, I presume because of our age and previous loss.  We see the little bean on the screen.  Literally looks like a bean.  A jumping bean, bouncing all over the place.  We try not to get excited.

We go in for another ultrasound.  Then a third, then a fourth.  I’m told this is not typical.  The doctor is doing this to reassure us that yes, this pregnancy seems viable and the little bean is growing.  And growing.  Now we can make out limbs.  And it’s still jumping around all over the place.

My HCG levels rise normally.  In fact, they get pretty high.  We worry about twins.  But try not to get excited.

I’m terrified of losing another pregnancy.  I read somewhere that baby aspirin has helped some mothers maintain pregnancies.  One of hubby’s family members confirm that this worked for her.  I ask the doctor – she says, it can’t hurt, it may help, go for it.  So I begin taking 1 baby aspirin daily in addition to my prenatal.

Morning sickness doesn’t subside this time.  In fact, it becomes worse, all-encompassing.  Bittersweet.  I take this as a positive sign, having heard that the sicker you are, the “stronger” the pregnancy.  Of course, the flip side is I am utterly miserable.  Those pregnancy books, which spend a sentence or two describing “slight nausea in the morning” as a first trimester pregnancy symptom can SHOVE IT.  More on this later.

More blood tests, more ultrasounds.  We now decide “not to get excited” until after either an amnio or CVS testing.  I’ll describe this later.  Still haven’t shared with anyone besides my sister.

But every day, I become sicker.  My belly begins to swell.  My workouts change.  Everything starts changing.  And I know, that this time it’s happening.  Happy.


2 responses to “Take Two

  1. That was beautiful. almost like a poem.


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