And they just keep on comin’! My toddler has become quite the unintentional comedian. A few more jewels of wisdom for your reading pleasure.
Me: [driving to doctor’s office for son’s potential ear infection] Does it still hurt, Sweetie?
Toddler: Yes. I think I hit my ear when I was running. I have to be more careful.
Me: Does it hurt on the inside of the ear or the outside?
Toddler: On the inside.
Me: What does it feel like? Is it a sharp pain?
Mom: [in a eye-rolling kind of tone] Nooo Mommy! A shark swims in the OCEAN! Not in my ears!
Hubby: [getting toddler up after an early nap for misbehaving] Are you in a better mood now?
Toddler: Yes. I sorry, Daddy. I sorry for hitting.
Hubby: Why did you hit? Were you tired?
Toddler: Yes, I was tired.
Hubby: If you’re tired, you can just tell us and we can leave the park. You don’t have to misbehave. You don’t have to hit.
Toddler: [stunned] I no have to hit?!
Toddler: [still in shock] I no have to hit when I’m tired?! [pause, thinking] When I’m tired I just tell Mommy and Daddy? Then we go home?? I no have to hit?!
Toddler: [with his toy doctor kit] Mommy, let me listen to your heart!
Me: Okay. [toddler listens with toy stethoscope]
Toddler: Okay, now I will look in your ear.
Me: Okay. [toddler peers inside]
Toddler: Turn around, Mommy.
Me: Okay. [I turn around but startle as toddler tries to insert something sharp into my you-know-what] Hey, what are you doing!?
Toddler: [holding up his toy thermometer] Taking your temperature!
Toddler: [with list and pencil] Mommy, what do you want to eat?
Me: Hmmm… I would like an ice cream sundae.
Toddler: Okay! [runs into the kitchen, then back] Here you go!
Me: Can I get a cherry on top?
Toddler: We have no cherries.
Me: Can you go get some?
Toddler: Okay! I am going to the store now! [starts walking across the living room]
Me: Okay, start your car…
Toddler: [shaking his head, exasperated] MOMMY! There is no car in here! This is the LIVING ROOM!
Toddler: [standing shirtless in front of the mirror and repeatedly pressing his outtie belly button in roughly] AARRRGHH!
Me: What are your doing??
Toddler: I’m trying to fix my belly button! It broke and I can’t get it back in!
Baby: [crying at the dinner table]
Me: Aw, are you all done with your dinner now? What’s wrong?
Toddler: [earnestly] I think he wants some mint chocolate chip ice cream now.
Toddler Friend: [helpfully, after having just beat my toddler in a foot race] You should really try some more vegetables.
Toddler: They will help me go faster?
Toddler Friend: Yes they will. You should really think about it. Try it and see.
Toddler: [running ahead of us on a walking path] I’m fast, Mommy!
Random Couple: [smiling as toddler runs by them] Wow, you are fast!
Toddler: No! I am SUPER fast! I eat my vegetables. The vegetables make me go SUPER fast!
Seriously… Can I just freeze this age??