I am slowly finding that if I can navigate through the stubbornness, tantrums, and ever-increasing messes, one of the hidden joys of toddlerhood is listening to the things that come out of my little guy’s mouth. Watching as he attempts to piece conclusions together has given us the comic relief so desperately needed at this stage. A few recent gems:
Me: [Wearing mascara – a very rare occurrence]
Toddler: [Squinting up at me, head cocked] Mommy, what’s wrong with your eyes? Why your eyes black?
Me: I put some makeup on for the Christmas party.
Toddler: [Thinking it over, and then suddenly the light bulb goes off] OH! Mommy wants spooky eyes! Spooky eyes like Halloween! SPOOOOOKY!
Me: [Cuddled up with toddler on the couch, fighting a cold]
Toddler: [Doing “projects”] Mommy, you’re not feeling well?
Me: I just have a little cold.
Toddler: Do you want me and Daddy to make you a project to feel better?
Me: Why, sure! That would be very nice.
Toddler: [In earnest] Daddy, Mommy is not feeling well. We need to make her a kite so she can feel better.
Me: [Pulling car out of the driveway with toddler buckled in his car seat]
Toddler: Mommy, go FASTER FASTER! FAST FAST! VROOM VROOM!
Me: [Annoyed] No, we don’t go faster in the car. We drive carefully. Who taught you that?
Toddler: Daddy said go FASTER but only when Mommy not in the car.
Me: [Returning from public restroom at amusement park as husband leaves for his turn]
Toddler: [Excited] Mommy! I ate a chocolate bar!
Me: What? Where did you get a chocolate bar? You know you’re not supposed to have candy in the morning.
Toddler: Daddy gave to me when Mommy go potty. Daddy said, ‘Don’t tell Mommy’!!
Hubby: [Talking to baby at dinner table] Are you all done now? You’re finished with your milk?
Me: [To baby] I think you enjoyed your dinner. Are you all done?
Toddler: [Seriously, shaking his head] Mommy, Daddy, he can’t talk. He is just a baby. He can’t talk yet.
Toddler: [At dinner table] Mommy, I don’t like this one. I don’t want this one!
Me: What do you say if you don’t care for something?
Toddler: [Sighs] May I, I don’t want this one, please!
Me: [Driving toddler home from preschool] I missed you today while you were gone.
Toddler: Everyone miss me when I am gone? Everyone sad?
Me: Yes, we all miss you. Even the dog!
Toddler: Yeah. Everyone sad when I am gone. Everyone get happy when I come home?
Me: Yes, we look forward to you coming home.
Me: Do you miss us when you’re gone?
Toddler: No. I want to see my friends.
Me: [At dinner table] Did you have a nice nap?
Toddler: Yeah. I had no dreams. [Pause, then seriously] I had a fart in bed. I had two farts. Just small farts. No big farts.