In the Words of My Toddler 2

And they just keep on comin’!  My toddler has become quite the unintentional comedian.  A few more jewels of wisdom for your reading pleasure.

Me: [driving to doctor’s office for son’s potential ear infection] Does it still hurt, Sweetie?
Toddler: Yes.  I think I hit my ear when I was running.  I have to be more careful.
Me: Does it hurt on the inside of the ear or the outside?
Toddler: On the inside.
Me: What does it feel like?  Is it a sharp pain?
Mom: [in a eye-rolling kind of tone] Nooo Mommy!  A shark swims in the OCEAN!  Not in my ears!

Hubby: [getting toddler up after an early nap for misbehaving] Are you in a better mood now?
Toddler: Yes.  I sorry, Daddy.  I sorry for hitting.
Hubby: Why did you hit?  Were you tired?
Toddler: Yes, I was tired.
Hubby: If you’re tired, you can just tell us and we can leave the park.  You don’t have to misbehave.  You don’t have to hit.
Toddler: [stunned] I no have to hit?!
Hubby: No.
Toddler: [still in shock] I no have to hit when I’m tired?!  [pause, thinking]  When I’m tired I just tell Mommy and Daddy?  Then we go home??  I no have to hit?!

Toddler: [with his toy doctor kit] Mommy, let me listen to your heart!
Me: Okay. [toddler listens with toy stethoscope]
Toddler: Okay, now I will look in your ear.
Me: Okay. [toddler peers inside]
Toddler: Turn around, Mommy.
Me: Okay. [I turn around but startle as toddler tries to insert something sharp into my you-know-what] Hey, what are you doing!?
Toddler: [holding up his toy thermometer] Taking your temperature!

Toddler: [with list and pencil] Mommy, what do you want to eat?
Me: Hmmm… I would like an ice cream sundae.
Toddler: Okay! [runs into the kitchen, then back] Here you go!
Me: Can I get a cherry on top?
Toddler: We have no cherries.
Me: Can you go get some?
Toddler: Okay! I am going to the store now! [starts walking across the living room]
Me: Okay, start your car…
Toddler: [shaking his head, exasperated] MOMMY!  There is no car in here!  This is the LIVING ROOM!

Toddler: [standing shirtless in front of the mirror and repeatedly pressing his outtie belly button in roughly] AARRRGHH!
Me: What are your doing??
Toddler: I’m trying to fix my belly button!  It broke and I can’t get it back in!

Baby: [crying at the dinner table]
Me: Aw, are you all done with your dinner now?  What’s wrong?
Toddler: [earnestly] I think he wants some mint chocolate chip ice cream now.

Toddler Friend: [helpfully, after having just beat my toddler in a foot race] You should really try some more vegetables.
Toddler: They will help me go faster?
Toddler Friend: Yes they will.  You should really think about it.  Try it and see.

Toddler: [running ahead of us on a walking path] I’m fast, Mommy!
Random Couple: [smiling as toddler runs by them] Wow, you are fast!
Toddler: No!  I am SUPER fast!  I eat my vegetables.  The vegetables make me go SUPER fast!

Seriously… Can I just freeze this age??

Advertisement

In the Words of My Toddler

I am slowly finding that if I can navigate through the stubbornness, tantrums, and ever-increasing messes, one of the hidden joys of toddlerhood is listening to the things that come out of my little guy’s mouth.  Watching as he attempts to piece conclusions together has given us the comic relief so desperately needed at this stage.  A few recent gems:

Me: [Wearing mascara – a very rare occurrence]
Toddler: [Squinting up at me, head cocked] Mommy, what’s wrong with your eyes?  Why your eyes black?
Me: I put some makeup on for the Christmas party.
Toddler: [Thinking it over, and then suddenly the light bulb goes off] OH!  Mommy wants spooky eyes!  Spooky eyes like Halloween!  SPOOOOOKY!

Me: [Cuddled up with toddler on the couch, fighting a cold]
Toddler: [Doing “projects”] Mommy, you’re not feeling well?
Me: I just have a little cold.
Toddler: Do you want me and Daddy to make you a project to feel better?
Me: Why, sure!  That would be very nice.
Toddler: [In earnest] Daddy, Mommy is not feeling well.  We need to make her a kite so she can feel better.

Me: [Pulling car out of the driveway with toddler buckled in his car seat]
Toddler: Mommy, go FASTER FASTER!  FAST FAST!  VROOM VROOM!
Me: [Annoyed] No, we don’t go faster in the car.  We drive carefully.  Who taught you that?
Toddler: Daddy said go FASTER but only when Mommy not in the car.

Me: [Returning from public restroom at amusement park as husband leaves for his turn]
Toddler: [Excited] Mommy!  I ate a chocolate bar!
Me: What?  Where did you get a chocolate bar?  You know you’re not supposed to have candy in the morning.
Toddler: Daddy gave to me when Mommy go potty.  Daddy said, ‘Don’t tell Mommy’!!

Hubby: [Talking to baby at dinner table] Are you all done now?  You’re finished with your milk?
Baby: [Laughs]
Me: [To baby] I think you enjoyed your dinner.  Are you all done?
Toddler: [Seriously, shaking his head] Mommy, Daddy, he can’t talk.  He is just a baby.  He can’t talk yet.

Toddler: [At dinner table] Mommy, I don’t like this one.  I don’t want this one!
Me: What do you say if you don’t care for something?
Toddler: [Sighs] May I, I don’t want this one, please!

Me: [Driving toddler home from preschool] I missed you today while you were gone.
Toddler: Everyone miss me when I am gone?  Everyone sad?
Me: Yes, we all miss you.  Even the dog!
Toddler: Yeah.  Everyone sad when I am gone.  Everyone get happy when I come home?
Me: Yes, we look forward to you coming home.
Toddler: Yeah.
Me: Do you miss us when you’re gone?
Toddler: No.  I want to see my friends.

Me: [At dinner table] Did you have a nice nap?
Toddler: Yeah.  I had no dreams. [Pause, then seriously] I had a fart in bed.  I had two farts.  Just small farts.  No big farts.